Just found out: My Therapist has been in contact with my Stalker for 2 1/2 YEARS…What the hell?

I didn’t want to write this post.  I’ve put it off for four weeks now.  But what happened still bothers me.  And I want to hurt someone.

I found out that my counselor was friends on Facebook with my Stalker.  MY STALKER.  To tell the story about her I have to go back a few years.

I had been seeing my previous counselor for two years and was a part of a “support group” that she ran.  Except she ran the support group like a cult.   She managed all the relationships within the group, called me at home on numerous occasions to go check on her other clients that were suicidal, spiritually abused me, and used our sessions to talk about how to manage her other clients. Oh, and not to mention that she shared all my confidential information with my future stalker who was also a part of the group.  It was crippling and I was extremely suicidal.  I finally got my courage up to break free from her but when I did I had to walk away from her cult which had become my life.  When I told my “friends” from the group that I was leaving her you can imagine what happened.  All hell broke loose.  I received many emails, phone calls, and texts yelling at me for what I was doing to Kim, the counselor.  The Stalker called so often and sent so many texts and emails that I had to call the phone company to get her blocked.  But she didn’t let that stop her.  Even though she lives in a different town than me she started to go regularly to the CVS and grocery store that she knows I go to and was just 2 minutes from my house.  My kids and I even saw her sitting in her van outside our house at night!  She would put things in my mailbox, drive by the house, and attend my kids ball games.  She would even wait for me at my kids school in carpool lane!  And she tried to befriend my then 16 year old son through Facebook!  My counselor knows about each and every one of these.

My new counselor (that I drive 1 ½ hours to a different town because the first three counselors I saw after the bad one couldn’t see me because they knew her) told me that to stop a stalker I need to starve her of all contact.  Which I did.  I never responded to her, I never approached her, etc.  But she was persistent and continued to pursue me.  I never called the police because I was told she had never hurt me (which is true) and she wasn’t doing anything illegal (true) but it was still frightening.

Now, fast forward 2 ½ years.  The stalking has stopped but I find out that my counselor was friend with her on Facebook.  When I confront him he immediately calls me to tell me how it happened.  2 ½ years ago he attends a week long Christian conference out of town.  He is sitting at a banquet table and the lady across from him asks him in front of everyone if he sees (insert my name).  He is shocked and the lady beside him angrily says “he can’t tell you that!”.  After the dinner he goes to her and tells her “this cannot be discussed.” And she says “okay”.

After the conference the members of his small group decided to start a Facebook group to keep in touch.  He decides to join but is angry when he sees that they have invited everyone at the conference and see’s Dee’s name on there.  Because he doesn’t want her to control him and he really wants to join the group he goes ahead and joins.

After much thought he decided to not tell me about running in to her because I was very suicidal at the time because of the previous counselor and going through the steps of reporting her to the LPC Board.

I ask him many, many questions and he answers each and every one with honesty and was sincerely apologetic.

I find out that it didn’t end there though.  After the conference evidently it bolsters her stalking.  Now I know what she was thinking.  Having met my counselor she assumes he is completely charmed by her and will encourage me to be friends with her again.  So she boldly starts coming to my door.  It’s not until after my husband threatens to get a restraining order on her and meets with her husband to reinforce the threat does the stalking stop.

Or does it?  One question I ask my counselor is if he has had any contact with her since then.  Ummm, yes.  She messaged him through Facebook (after we threatened to contact the police) asking for a Spiritual Counselor and he responds with a recommendation.  What the hell?????  Okay, so you ran into her at the conference (which is no coincidence, I will explain later) but to join the group and then engage in a conversation with her?   Are you kidding me?

She only asked him that question so that she could have contact with him.  She had no intention of seeing a counselor.  He knows all about that group, how destructive it was on me, and he continued to have contact with her.

Now what?  I am angry, pissed and I want to go find her to tell her that he is my counselor and for her to back the hell off.

My counselor has worked hard to rebuild trust.  He sought counseling by a superior in the community to talk about what made him think he could keep the two things separate (care for me and keep her at a distance from himself), he called me several times that weekend to talk about it and we have talked about it in counseling several times.

But I am still left with the question….what in the hell do I do now?

Oh, side note:  the reason she went to that conference is because I told her about it while we were friends.  I told her I had always wanted to go but couldn’t because of money, child care, and I didn’t know if I was emotionally ready for it.  And somehow, she ended up attending the conference the same week my counselor did.

17 thoughts on “Just found out: My Therapist has been in contact with my Stalker for 2 1/2 YEARS…What the hell?

  1. But your counselor was unethical. To think he could counsel you and even be speaking to her. How can you trust this person now? This is..so wrong, unethical, breech of trust. Beyond words here.

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      1. Have you told him exactly how you feel about it? That you are very upset and that you feel betrayed. Or however it is that you feel. Have you told him? I can see where you would be conflicted. If he has helped you. If he himself was conflicted. Trust is so important. I guess the question I would ask myself is : can we move forward, can he keep helping me, can I trust him To move forward in this therapy. Just my thoughts

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      2. Yeah I’ve told him. And yes, I have been thinking about what to do now. I want to move forward with him but working through this is excruciating. He reminded me this last week that this is the first time I’ve confronted a wrong and someone didnt leave me. He told me he’s not going anywhere and wants to hear my anger and any other thoughts I have. Its just so hard to actually be feeling these feelings and being real with him in person about them.

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  2. I’m glad that your therapist is answering your questions honestly but I am horrified for you!!! That seems to be such a big breach. I’m hoping you will be ok, stay safe and take your time deciding what is best for you. I’m so sorry this happened to you

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    1. I think I’ve been numb for awhile about it. He was my very first counselor 25 years ago before we moved out of state. So, I’ve known him for a very long time. Hes been the best counselor I’ve ever had but this mistake is just huge. He not acting defensively and is seeking outside help for it and is really wanting to help me heal from this…I just dont know. I have no where to go if I dont see him.

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  3. You’re trust has been breached and I’m so sorry. But there is no rush to decide what to do. Only you know what is best for you. Please keep talking it out and feeling through this. It is a big process but you sound like you have the tools to take it a step at a time. Just remember it is ok to feel what ever you feel, anger, sadness, relief to be able to talk to him about it, disappointment…all of your feelings are important and valid.

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    1. Thank you. I did start to email my counselor yesterday telling him I am angry and gave him a list of “angry” questions such as “were you thinking about me when you made these decisions?” etc. He has been responding. So I want to keep working on this with him.

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  4. I am so sorry this happened. It is so hard to get over betrayal, but sometimes it is best to try. That is for you to decide. I like that he has sought outside supervision to discuss what he did. That shows good faith to me, but I can understand how you feel.
    I don’t think it is strange to use therapy time to talk about stuff with the therapist. I do it all the time because things come up that are very similar to my past. There might be value in processing this all the way through with him.
    I definitely wouldn’t make any decisions until you have had a lot of time to process it with him and yourself to see if you can move beyond it.
    Therapists are human and make mistakes. It doesn’t sound like he did this intentionally, and it also sounds like he had a lot of good to offer you.
    At the same time, I know how hard it is to bounce back from someone breaking your trust.
    Either way, I support you.
    Kathy

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    1. Thank you. It is sooo very hard to process this with him. I’ve never allowed myself to be angry at someone, express it to them, and it be safe. So this is all new to me. He is very safe. During this whole time he has not been defensive or angry (except at himself). And, seeking outside help speaks to his trustworthiness too I think. I’ve known him for 25 years (I saw him for two years 25 years ago and then most recently, when we moved closer, for the last 3 years). He has always been consistently caring, compassionate and honest. So, I know I want to work through this with him….it’s just hard.

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  5. I am so very sorry for what happened to you. It is your therapists job to keep you safe and to make you feel safe. I have been betrayed by a therapist and I am not sure if I am the right person to give you advise. Trust is easy to break and very hard to mend once it is broken. Do you know if he has cut off all communication with her? And has he made a commitment to you to not engage in any future communication with her in any form? Also, what does your husband think about all of this? My husband just said to me that maybe your therapist didn’t want to brush her off for fear of making her think that he was seeing you, but it was a betrayal. And it was an email, so he could have sought advice on how to handle the situation before the problem arose, instead of after the fact. I hope he is not enamored by her, that would be important to know as well. I wish you the very best in this situation. Only you can ultimately decide what is best for you going forward! ♥️

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    1. That day he told me he deleted his facebook page. He has expressed a lot of anger towards her in that he felt like she was trying to control him. He sent me a long email (when I asked him) about all the things he is angry at her about. I too was worried that he had fallen for her act but he was not fooled (except thinking that her requesting the name of a spiritual director was sincere), He hoped that she would receive help and therefore stop tormenting me. He has answered every question I have had and has sought help from an outside source. I can say I have never seen someone admit their fault and have worked to repair the damage like he has. We are working to rebuild that trust now.

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      1. That is really all we can expect from anyone. He certainly was in a difficult place. I am glad you are working on rebuilding trust. This will be a very meaningful experience for you… to know that people can disappoint you and it not be the end of everything!

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      2. Wow, so true. He did say he’d like to keep his own face while working through this (as opposed to me superimposing my dads face or previous counselors face). Which almost happened once but we talked our way through it.

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