Darkness

all reason is lost

i’ll never get back

past and present merge

pain locks with hopelessness

 

the costs are high

secrets accumulate

closing in on me

condemnations, accusations, judgements whisper

 

death envelopes darkness

swirling flight takes place

giving in easier than the fight

Update on stress and where I am mentally

I don’t know why all of a sudden I’m no longer able to blog what is going on with me.  The words just aren’t there or the fear to be vulnerable is too great. Here’s a few updates.

* I quit my job about six weeks ago.  Things had gotten so bad for me mentally that I couldn’t even give him two weeks notice.  I quit over the phone because he wasn’t in the office that day.  I had stressful nightmares every night for two weeks afterwards.

* I decided not to try to sue my dad or even ask for money from him.  It would have opened me up to a lot more pain because he wouldn’t have paid because he truly doesn’t care.

* I have been obsessively reading autobiographies of people with mental illness.  This sounds on the surface an okay thing but actually it has been very triggering.  Maybe it’s a way to punish myself? I’m not sure.

* I got the mistaken idea that I was close to being completely integrated which in my head meant no more memories.   Well, after several more new memories and a frank conversation with my counselor I realize now how far I am from that goal.

* Staying home from work has greatly reduced the stress but now I’ve become a depressed hermit that sleeps all day.

Will life ever get better?  Is there anything else out there that life can offer me? Do I even want to see it if it were put in front of me?