Sunday morning it took all my concentration to keep my butt in the chair. The pastor had just asked for congregants to share what God had done in their lives in the last couple of months. I wanted to stand and shout at the top of my lungs “I WANT TO DIE”. After talking with my therapist today I realized that it was one of my “others,” the one that carries all the shame, pain, and sadness from the abuse that was wanting to shout of her pain.
It gets so confusing because I have evidently always been co-conscience so I never knew I had others until after I had been in counseling for two years. I just thought it was myself that was playing like a four year old. I thought everyone else in the world did the same things behind closed doors. They just were able to hide it better than I could.
Over a month ago my 14 year old insider attempted suicide by swallowing pills. When I awoke a full two days later I was furious! How can she take MY life in her hands? I was sick of having DID. I was tired of not having control of my life. I wanted OUT.
But, I don’t have that option. Instead, I need to learn to show the 14 year old compassion and understanding. Usually I am easily dismissive of her and her pain but that drives the pain further inside where it eats at me until I explode in intense self-harm.
This week I am going to make room for her and her pain. This is how I can take care of myself.