Okay, so self-blaming is not good. I understand that and I saw the negative side effects this weekend from it but still it is clinging to me. My spiral down was swift and planning for significant self-harm began. I emailed my counselor Wednesday night saying that a younger part was very angry and was planning something for Saturday night. I made the connection for the first time between her anger and her concentration on staying focused on her “plan”. My husband and I were in a marriage session with my counselor when my teenage part came out. In the email I said:
“Her anger made her more powerful which makes me nervous. I wasn’t able to come out like I am usually able to. When she came out of the bathroom she didn’t want to go back into your room so she sat with the boys. But after they talked with her I could feel myself starting to come out, she got mad and walked back into your room. While she was in the room I absolutely knew that this was just like the week before I drove to SC. I mean, it’s definitely not as intense, the emotions are different, but she was trying to keep her focus on her anger and the “plan”. Keeping “focus” was a huge part of the week before SC.” *my drive to South Carolina happened during my suicide attempt two years ago
Thursday my counselor texted and emailed asking if he could call me.
My insides went into a panic. For one hour I contemplated every response I could give and what he may respond. I wanted to be able to move along with the “plan” without any interruptions. I finally decided to text that I thought it best if we talk during our regular appointment time on Tuesday. My mind was really on a high from the planning and the music I was piping into my ears. An hour later I convinced myself that he would call my husband so I texted that he could call.
The call was fruitless because I was not honest with him for fear he would stop me. That night I asked him if I could email him without him calling me. He agreed so I began to be honest with where I was. I had a previous counselor tell me not to go to my husband when I am struggling because he is not a trained counselor. My current counselor told me that it was very important to tell my husband as it develops into a unity that parallels even that of the Trinity (that’s in Ephesians 5). By Friday morning I was sufficiently scared about Saturday night. I eagerly but cautiously told my husband that I had started listening to music that makes me dissociate, had hidden pills, and had a plan. I was very nervous because I didn’t know how he would react. He replied saying that he would always love me and wants to be with me during these times.
He added, “And both of us together in a troubled place is better than one of us alone in a troubled place.”
I felt loved, protected, and not alone.
I can’t say that I am completely out of that place right now but definitely not as far down as I was on Wednesday – Friday. I was (and still am) still struggling with blaming myself for some of the abuse. Intellectually I know that’s crazy and if I were listening to someone else tell my story I would tell them of course they were not to blame. But deep down part of me wants to accept the blame and believes it deserves to be there.